In deference to the surgeon general and the cost of air fresheners, smoking is not allowed in the house. You may smoke on the porch or in the gardens.

Well-behaved parents of children 10+ years of age are welcome to accompany their youngsters.

As cute and loveable as your pet may be, you will have to content yourself with adoring Loxi, my Lhasa Apso, during your stay. She has hair, not fur, so she is basically hypoallergenic. Sneezers and snifflers should be able to croon and cuddle away, but rely on your own good judgment or ask your health care professional.

I accept cash, check or PayPal for payment. A deposit equal to one night's stay is required to confirm your reservation. With less than 5 days notice, there will be a cancellation charge equal to one night's stay. I am loveable so, should I be able to re-engage your room, I will refund the full amount of your deposit.

Standard check-in is between 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. I also understand the whacky airline schedules here and I am willing to bend the rules if you give me a little notice. Did I mention that I am available to provide transportation to and from?

On your last morning, checkout time is 11:00 a.m. After eleven, Loxi will be dispatched to your room to herd you out.

Breakfast is served from 7:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. unless special arrangements are made in advance. Coffee, tea and conversation for early risers are available after 6:00 a.m. Prior to 6:00 a.m. I cannot guarantee the quality of any conversation.

Afternoon "tea" is served each day at 4:00 p.m. The location is determined by the Weather Gods.

There is off-street parking in back of the house should the neighbors be so inconsiderate as to fill all of the available on-street parking.

In addition to your room, please make yourself at home on the porch, in the parlor, dining room, lounge or library. If a door has a glass knob it is a private area of the home and should remain unexplored.

Please check with me before bringing any of your friends or relatives back to the B&B for socializing. This is also a convenient excuse in order to escape from them if desired.

The plumbing is old. Please use the trashcans to dispose of anything that does not come off the clever, rolling device conveniently located adjacent to each toilet.

If you enjoy the use of your hands and fingers please do not attempt to open any of the windows in the house. The house has heating and air conditioning and you should be quite comfy cozy without attempting to bring the outside inside.

If you hang your bath towel I will assume that you are an advocate of water conservation and will act accordingly. Towels on the floor will be laundered and replaced (after a call to your mother.)

The claw-foot bathtubs are very old and do not have overflow valves. Please recall your physics lesson in "Water Displacement Theory" and fill the tubs accordingly. If you can't recall the theory, you can find it at www.water_all_over_the_floor.aargh.

If you come in late at night, please be as quiet as possible when walking on creaky, old, wooden floors. Other guests may not wish to share the rest of your fabulous evening with you.

The front door is often locked. Remember to take your key whenever you go out. Should you forget your key please refer to the note about calling your mother.

I do so hope you enjoy your stay at Rose Hill. Any suggestions as to how to improve the hospitality are gratefully received--after 6:00 a.m.

Please yell "Fire!" loudly. Then exit quickly and carefully via the front or back staircases. There is a flashlight in the top drawer of your bedside table should the glow of the flames not give off sufficient light.